[This was Column #7]
We can learn about growing up and how that relates to happiness from three people recently in the news. Prince Charles, Duchess Camilla, and Jane Fonda are all famous and all infamous as well. They were all born into wealth. And, most importantly, at a time when many of us have given up on our lives, they have found theirs. Despite their age, they have finally decided to take control of their lives. They have finally learned what is important to them and how to get it. Shockingly, it seems that even very wealthy, very famous people cannot always take charge of their destiny. They do not understand what they want or who they really are. Their actions have been constantly influenced by others and their expectations.
In recent interviews Jane Fonda admitted that she had low self-esteem until recently. Now at 67 she is beginning a new chapter in her life which she believes will be the happiest of all. Throughout her life she has been a chameleon, making herself over for each new lover. She tried to be the woman whom she thought each husband not only wanted but expected her to be. Sometimes it was political Jane, then save-the-world Jane, or perhaps sexy Jane. At last she has learned who she is and what she wants, not just the object she needs to be for affection.
Of course we all know Charles couldn't marry Camilla because first she was a commoner, then she was married to someone else, and after that she was divorced. She could be a royal mistress, but not a royal wife. Neither she nor Charles believed they could ever be married to each other.
Once they threw off the shackles of other people's expectations, they discovered what they really wanted and what they could really do. By being themselves and with great persistence they did manage to do what no one thought they could, including themselves.
I suspect that many of us have been like Jane. We have tried to be who we are not for the men in our lives and consequently, found unhappiness. Or like Charles, who tried to live the life he was expected to live, not the one he wanted. Finally, they both had to learn that you cannot live a lie and be happy, regardless of who you are. That lie destroyed Diana and portrayed Charles as a bumbling bounder (well, I guess he was).
Now Charles and Camilla have become a rather dowdy, horsey couple, but a happy one. They have learned it's never too late to find love.
Is it simply growing older that makes us grow up? Or perhaps eventually we learn that we don't really care anymore what other people think. Or is it time itself? It's now or never to be ourselves.
A little of each I think. Yet there are many who will stay unhappy forever. They complain constantly and never take responsibility for their own actions. They blame others for their unhappiness. They are afraid to get out of their rut, to take a chance on life. They are afraid to try. They constantly fear what others might think of them, but disguise their feelings by being grumpy and disagreeable. Cowards all.
A good relationship can only survive happily between two honest people - honest with themselves, as well as with each other. Honest - not critical, such as how the other person squeezes the toothpaste - not perfect. Maturity helps you to understand what is important in a relationship and what is not. Honest about who we are and what we want and what we like.
If you're comfortable in your own skin, you'll be less likely to demand that your partner be the perfect mate. You understand that no one is perfect, that you love someone for their foibles as well as their strengths. Maturity brings tolerance, humor, understanding, an appreciation for the world and those who love you. Most of all you learn to like yourself despite your foibles. It's OK not to be perfect.
If you want romance - and you want to keep romance in your life - grow up. It's not only loving that person, but liking them, too.
Remember it's your life. You decide how you want to live it. Or you can decide that it's easier to be unhappy and be miserable. After all, it's not your fault, you can tell yourself.
Personally, I'd rather take responsibility and be happy. I'll take that chance for romance. And now that I have found it, I plan to keep it in my life. I think I have finally grown up and it's a lot more fun.
Gloria